As parents, we all want to give the best to our children. Very often, we need to choose between to give or not to give, to buy or not to buy. With so much noise around, we are constantly tempted to compare with others and give in under peer pressure.
I won’t buy my children things just because “other kids all have it”. Likewise, they have never gone for any tuition or enrichment class even if their peers are doing so.
They are them and we are us.
We provide food, accommodation and other basic needs. If they want extra resources, they are welcome to put up a case. Then we discuss and make decisions together. The relationship is based on mutual respect, not bottom-up (pay for this because I want it) or top-down (do what I say because it’s for your own good).
It’s easier said than done
Recently, I was chatting with my 14-year-old in her bedroom. The room was looking tired and in need of a revamp. Indeed, she has been sleeping there since she was five years old.
With much enthusiasm, I showed her a social media channel stocked with modern bedroom designs. Her existing standalone children’s furniture can be replaced with stylish built-in furniture.
“Wow, this is exactly my dream bedroom!” She exclaimed with admiration.
Suddenly, she turned to me and said in a solemn voice, “Please don’t. If you do that, and I have my perfect room now, I will be too contented. I will become very lazy and lose the motivation to study.”
“Okay, fair enough. Perhaps we shouldn’t spend so much money on renovation. By the way, do you want to move somewhere more central after secondary school? What about the place you said you like it very much when we passed by the other day?”
“Yes, that is exactly my dream house. But if we stay there, I will lose the drive to work hard and buy it one day.” She added, “Also, for the sake of me, could you don’t let me know what you can afford?”
I was speechless. This girl never fails to help me learn.
“You tell your children to study hard, get a good job and they will be able to enjoy what they have later in life. Don’t be surprised that they will ask you why. If you have already bought them a nice place to ensure that they will have a good life, why do they need to study hard and get a job?”
– “Should we give properties to our children?”, PropertySoul.com
What unsolicited help means for our children
Apparently, I showed my child I have the financial means. I didn’t see that she is smart and diligent too. When she grows up, she can build the same wealth and probably more. Why do I doubt her ability to save for her dream bedroom or buy her dream house next time? Did she say she needs my help?
What a self-righteous and arrogant parent I am!
“When I ask people why we have to help our kids to buy properties, the three most common reasons are:
1. Property prices have climbed faster than inflation. Their children might not be able to afford one in the future.
2. We love our kids and give them only the best, including food, clothes, housing and education. Why not properties?
3. When we pass on one day, it’s good to leave something behind so that they will remember us.
If we can afford, why not?”
– “Should we give properties to our children?”, PropertySoul.com
As parents, we can’t help thinking what we should do now to give our children a better future. But we often end up offering unsolicited help. Instead of respecting them as individuals, we doubt their independence and capabilities by jumping in too early.
When we buy or pay for something big, what makes us think that our children won’t be able to do so by themselves in time to come? The kids inherit our genes and DNA. Our traits and intelligence are running in their blood. Why do we question our children’s capabilities to achieve what we can accomplish?
Imagine the difference when our children tell others they bought their new home by themselves, versus their parents paid for it.
When giving children a headstart becomes a demotivation
Children observe and copy what parents do. If we can’t walk the talk, they can easily catch our action contradicting what we said. We become untrustworthy. The inconsistency is confusing to them. They end up learning nothing or the opposite of what we want to teach them.
My daughter’s words are a wake-up call for me. I completely forgot the practice of “self-imposed environment of scarcity” from the book The Millionaire Next Door.
There is a recent Straits Times article “The pitfalls of buying properties for your kids”. It highlighted the fact that some Singapore parents plan to buy an apartment for their children so that they can have a headstart in life.
A headstart or a demotivation in life?
“If we give our children substantial financial wealth and let them know too early, it is confusing. The thought of being wealthy makes young inheritors lose the drive to work hard in their studies and their profession. Their loss of purpose and meaning in life may lead to self-destruction. Inherited wealth can foster isolation, addiction, delayed emotional development, and depression.”
– Vina Ip, Behind The Scenes of The Property Market
The road to hell is often paved with good intentions. A patient told his psychiatrist he inherited a big sum of money from his parents. He lived like a rich man and didn’t take long to spend it all. He regretted deeply and fell into depression.
One successful actor in his 70s was asked how he plans to distribute his wealth among his four children. He answered bluntly,
“Why bother? If they can make it, they don’t need my money. And if they can’t make it, what’s the use of giving them my money?”
For your own good is the worst reason
The Straits Times article said, in a divorce, properties parents bought for their children become shared matrimonial assets with their ex-spouse. The headstart becomes a heartache.
Some couples can’t get married and apply for BTO flats because one parent bought a private home in their child’s name.
The most questionable phrase we often hear from parents is “It’s all for your own good”.
It doesn’t matter what you think. Because I believe this is good for you, you must do as I say. This noble cause justifies my absolute power over you. By reason of “for your own good”, I can do whatever I want to you. And you must be grateful to me.
Requesting children to do something “for your own good” is sometimes what we parents would have wanted for ourselves. Due to some reasons, what we could not own, enjoy or accomplish are conveniently passed onto the next generation. Because that deep regret in the past has left a big hole, desperately needs to be filled to make life complete.
We all love our children. But do we show our love the way we think it is right, or the way they are comfortable with? Is our love giving them warmth and joy, or pressure and misery?
For a healthy parent-child relationship, love must be based on mutual respect felt within comfortable personal boundaries. Accept our children as independent individuals with their own aspirations. Learn what and when to be active or passive through self-awareness and reflection.
The golden rule is: Always think from the children’s point of view. Treat them the way we want to be treated. This is the only way we earn trust and respect from them.
How to motivate children to work hard
In a developing country, few are rich, but most are poor. For baby boomers and generation X, we witnessed the huge gap between the haves and have-nots in our childhood.
Like it or not, inequality is a powerful driver. It makes us hungry and gives us the desire to go for more. We work hard every day to make life better. Because we see there is a big difference between doing something versus doing nothing.
In contrast, in a developed country, children are given good food, nice homes and great education – everything we longed for during our upbringing. They already have enough and don’t need more. Naturally, they can’t see much difference between doing something versus doing nothing. There is no incentive big enough to drive them to work hard, take risk and reach certain milestones to make life better.
Undoubtedly, our children are growing up in a very different environment. They lack the training and resilience to rise from poverty to prosperity. Because they don’t have to prove their material success to upgrade from a rented HDB flat to a landed home. Nor to climb the social ladder from a kampong boy to a rich millionaire.
For most middle class like us, it is not easy for our children to achieve more than us. They may even have difficulties reaching where we are. In fact, we don’t even know whether they like their parents for who they are, whether they want to do what we are doing, or work for what we consider as achievement.
For the next generation, we can only show them different possibilities in life. But whether these possibilities can excite them or motivate them is another thing.
Buying properties for children is a power game
American psychotherapist Virginia Satir specialized in family therapy. She was honored as the “Mother of Family Therapy”. Satir pointed out the fact that many parents are using money for power and control over the next generation. A good example is paying for the homes of their children.
If I didn’t help you to pay the deposit, you are still renting. You would never have your own home.
Had I not bought you a private property in advance, you wouldn’t be able to afford one now.
Because I used my hard savings to help you pay for your home, you are forever indebted to this giving and generous parent. For my self-sacrifice, you are obliged to repay me next time. I foot the bill, and I am expecting something in return.
Love for a parent or filial piety becomes conditional.
Satir said many parents are using their money and inheritance to play the power game. Whoever has money has power. And whoever has money will not be lonely. Paying for their children’s home is a powerful chip to earn respect and company in their old age.
The strong desire to have an upper hand in power in the family reflects one thing – the fear of losing authority as one grows old. This shows the high sense of insecurity at heart. The devil is the fear of powerlessness and loneliness in old age. This is a typical low-esteem defensive behavior.
True family support can boost the receivers’ confidence and resilience. Contrarily, fake family support in the form of financial assistance out of control and manipulation results in tension and anxiety. It erodes the receivers’ independence and self-value.
Living by a family motto
Saigō Takamori (西乡隆盛) is a renowned politician in Japan. He was most influential during the Meiji Restoration. His tomb was inscribed with a Chinese poem he wrote. The last line was often quoted in articles: “不为儿孙买美田” (Don’t buy beautiful land for children and grandchildren).
This is the famous family motto Takamori left behind for his descendants. He forbade anyone in his family to leave behind any wealth to the next generation. Furthermore, he insisted that if any family member disobeys this, everyone can cut ties with him.
What a wise man!
Leave behind nothing so there is nothing for the descendants to fight. If they want anything, work hard to earn it.
After all, the most valuable asset I can pass down to the next generation is not a house. It is my values, wisdom and love that are priceless. This is my legacy and exactly what I would like my children to remember about me.
Buying properties for my children? If they can afford, they buy. But if they can’t afford, don’t buy.
Food for thought
The late Charlie Munger, Vice Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, has lived in the same house for 70 years. Warren Buffett also stayed in the same house for 60 years. Munger explained the reason behind in an interview.
“We are both smart enough to have watched our friends who got rich build these really fancy houses. And I would say, in practically every case, they make the person less happy, not happier. Having a basic house really helps you. Having a really fancy house … it’s a very expensive thing to do. And it doesn’t do you that much good.”
At the end, we settled with a $180 DIY bookcase from Ikea. It looks stylish and functional in my daughter’s room.
It is not being rich that is difficult. It is being sane.
(You might like to read “Another PSLE result release day“, PropertySoul.com)
If you miss “The Future of Singapore Homes” education seminar, you can watch the recording here.
Check out my new online courses How To Buy Good Quality Properties and Buy The Right Condos.
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I’m Gen X. I grew up in a rented 3-room HDB flat until I was 10. Then my parents decided to buy a 4-room HDB flat. They paid in full—no bank loans—because they disliked paying interest. That was their habit. But even after the purchase, my mum would say we were still in debt, as if the installments were never-ending.
At that age, I didn’t understand concepts like property ownership or loans. It wasn’t until my sister and I graduated and started earning—close to age 30—that my mum finally said they had paid it off when they bought it. I realized then that my parents’ generation lived in constant survival mode. There was always a fear of not having enough, even when they had more than they believed.
They were afraid to spend, always operating from a scarcity mindset—and that mindset shaped me too. Today, I own two fully paid properties (thanks to your advice), all on my own, without help from my parents. They never invested—only kept money in fixed deposits. Yet, even at 50 and financially free, I still catch myself thinking in scarcity terms. I’m happy shopping at Decathlon, while others chase expensive brands.
I’ve seen people wipe tables before placing their branded bags down. That kind of behavior feels foreign to me. Parenting today is a whole different challenge. Our government did an incredible job—transforming Singapore into an advanced nation within one generation. But with that progress comes pressure: parents now want their children to win from the starting line (要让孩子赢在起跑点), and buying property for them is part of that.
If parents don’t dote on their children, who will? My parents didn’t. They instilled fear instead. Was that a good thing? I’m not sure. Does it work for everyone? Probably not. I feel younger generations today are less resilient—but maybe that’s just how times have changed.
Thanks for sharing. Times are different. But the financial lessons won’t change: Live within your means. Save for a rainy day. Don’t borrow to finance a lifestyle you can’t afford. Take calculated risks and invest prudently.